Stuck Aboard the Ebon Hawk
by popsot
Summary: Have you ever wondered what really happened to Revan and his crew after the destruction of the Star Forge? Nope, he didn't go straight on out to the edge of space. Instead he became involved in a series of unfortunate circumstances. Canon is disregarded.


The galaxy is saved!

The Ebon Hawk orbits the planet of Lehon (Unknown World) as the hundreds of republic battleships that took part in the recent battle jump into hyperspace. The Ebon Hawk is left alone, it glimmers amongst the stars.

A new journey is about to begin for our heroes; that is…if they can pull themselves together and figure out what in the hell to do next. They're pretty much clueless on what to do right now…

"Well…now that I blew up the Star Forge I think some kind of…offering is due," snickers Revan.

"When did you get promoted to a God-Like status?" replies Carth.

"…When I stuck my lightsaber through Malak's esophagus…and his intestines spilled all around me forming the 'Your totally a god'!"

"Oh, so if I stuck a lightsaber through you…Lord Revan…I would be worthy of praise and worship?"

"No…you'd be dreaming! What you just said is _scientifically_ impossible. However, something that _is_ scientifically _possible_ occurs when I stick my lightsaber into Bastilla's…"

Bastilla cuts him off, "Don't even think about it!" Bastilla then enters the cargo hold to grab a snack.

Revan eyes her body all the way there then says, "I'm going to check and see if the loading ramp is shut," but strangely heads toward the cargo hold, which is in the opposite direction of the loading ramp. Canderous and Carth are now left alone, and after a long awkward silence conversation ensues:

Canderous begins talking, "Now that this whole quest-..."

Carth interrupts, "Journey…quest sounds kind of tacky. We weren't after the holy grail you know…."

Canderous resumes, " Whatever the hell we just did…now that its over…I'd like to say-…" and is once again cut off by Carth.

"Ok, now that's just plain confusing…"

"You do realize your trying to correct a Mandalorian, right?"

"What's your point?"

"Well...we Mandalorians don't like being corrected. We like crushing people's skulls with our feet, grinding bones into dust, and turning eyeballs into jelly."

"Sounds a lot like an ogre," replies Carth.

"We share many things in common, yes."

Carth grabs a bottle of Tarisian Ale and begins gulping it down.

Canderous rolls his eyes, "You ask too many questions…and you have a whiny mouth…seriously, you're spilling Tarisian ale all over your crotch!"

Carth looks down in utter horror, "Dammit! You're my witness."

"You think I'm going to stick up for you? I'll just tell them that stain is there because you were dreaming of-"

"What!? Ok, I feel a betrayal coming on."

"All you do is complain!"

"Well I'm sorry! I can't help it; it's just the way I am. Anyway, at least I don't a cheesy nickname. You hear that, Candy?" Carth grins.

Canderous looks around uncomfortably; he notices Mission eaves-dropping "I told you not to call me that in public dammit!" He then grabs Carth by the collar and drags him into a dark corner.

Mission laughs heartily after hearing Canderous's nickname for the first time, then rushes over to tell Zaalbar.

"Hey Big Z…did you know Canderous's nickname is…" Zaalbar cuts her off.

"RAAAARGGH!

"But you never had a problem with me calling you Big Z before!

"BEORRGH!"

"Well why didn't you tell me it was a derogatory slang word in your language?"

"DUUUAGHH!"

"What did you just call me? Now listen Big Z, I hope blowing up the Star Forge changed nothing-…"

Zaalbar picks Mission up of the ground in mid sentence and begins strangling her.

Elsewhere on the ship, Canderous is beating the spit out of Carth. "Prepare for humiliation, buddy," yells Canderous.

"Great, high school all over again…" sighs Carth.

Canderous grabs the Carth by the collar, gives him a double wet willy, then a wedgie, shoves his head in an oddly conveniently placed toilet then hangs him by his shirt on some random hook.

"Gaah! The…humiliation…it…burns!" screams Carth in despair. "You know…hanging like this could be worse…people could see..."

A group of Carth's Telosian friends magically appear out of nowhere and walk into the room.

"It's not what it looks like!" screams Carth.

His friends burst out laughing.

"No! They're laughing and pointing!" Carth sighs. "At least my mother doesn't see me!"

His mother rolls in on a wheelchair, "I disown you!"

"Well, at least I still have my Xbox-..." His Xbox flies in and self-destructs. "ALL IS LOST!"

There is shouting coming from the cargo hold. Bastilla shoves Revan out into the hallway and slaps him. Revan tries to come up with an explanation:

"What was that for!? Bastilla I wouldn't do that to ya, honest! What kind of a guy do you think I am?"

Bastilla quickly responds, "The kind that wakes up one morning and forgets the relationships and actions he had the previous day."

"Now wait a secon-…actually… your right!" replies Revan.

Revan is given a good hard slap across the cheek, and has a door slammed in his face. "Better check on my crew."

His peers out across his ship and notices many strange things. In one corner he sees Canderous using Carth as a makeshift punching bag. He glances over at the med-bay and finds Zaalbar choking Mission to death. Suddenly angered by all that's going on around him, Revan knows exactly what he wants to say:

"Now wait just a minute! Blowing up the Star Forge changed nothing, I should-…"

A disco ball suddenly lowers down from the ceiling and the lights go dim. Jolee Bindo charges out of the dormitories with an afro and flashy clothing on.

Jolee begins singing a hip disco tune.

"How the hell did disco music get on my ship!" shouts Revan dismayed.

Canderous replies, "I don't know! But the beat is catchy," and begins dancing.

"No! Don't give in!" shouts Revan.

Carth jumps of his hook and does the electric slide, "YEOWH!"

Revan looks at his foot and notices it tapping, "No foot! Why must you betray me! Don't make me cut you off!" He suddenly musters up enough strength to resist the music and shoots down the disco ball with a blaster.

Cries of disappoint are heard all across the ship as shiny disco ball glass rains down from the ceiling. "You got glass in my fro!" yells Jolee.

"Hey! I might have blown up the Star Forge but that doesn't mean all rules on this ship have gone to hell! What I did was heroic and all…I mean I did win a lame swoop race, killed a dragon, resisted the dark side, saved a galaxy, and defeat an evil dark lord (he seems infatuated with himself for a second)...but that's beside the point. Nobody needs to act any differently than before we completed our task, including me! There will be no humiliating pranks, no god-like worship, derogatory wookiee slang words and above all, NO DISCO!"

"Dammit! I've been waiting to do that since I heard the wookiees singing that song in the shadowlands!" shouts Jolee.

"Everyone one in agreement?" says Revan.

A disappointed sounding "Agreed" is heard around the ship mixed in with "GOD HAVE MERCY ON MY HUMILIATED SOUL" from Carth.

"Good! Now Carth, full speed ahead to Dantooine…I planted a small flower in the Jedi Enclave and if it was destroyed in the Sith attack they'll be hell to pay!" shouts Revan.

Carth sucks up his pride and enters the cockpit, "Ok sir, but isn't that a little hopeless-.."

Revan cuts him off saying, "Just push the damn hyperspace button pilot! My plant needs watering!"

Carth sits down in the pilots seat as a heroic version of _May the Force be with You_ plays in the background

"Don't worry baby, water is on its way!" says Revan. With that the ship shoots off into the stars on a course for Dantooine. Things are just getting started for Ebon Hawk crew following the destruction of the Star Forge!


End file.
